Thoughts on first led primary practice after a year

Last weekend I was down in Vancouver staying with a friend, and on Sunday morning we went to a led Primary practice at a lovely independent little shala. The practice leader had just returned from 3 months in Mysore where he was assisting Sharath, so I'm assuming we were doing Sharath's count, for those Ashtangeeks out there who are interested in those sorts of details. :)

It was my first full Primary (led or home) since I "broke up" with my Ashtanga practice nearly a year ago, so I have been reflecting on how it felt. Here's a rundown:

• Sweaty: In a good way! The studio was heated and fairly full, and once I got into the twists (which always generate heat for me), the sweat really started to flow. Compared to my chilly morning practices at home, it felt great!
• Long: I'm not sure how long actually, a bit under 2 hours I think, but given that I spend most of my waking hours bouncing down a mountain these days, I don't usually practice for more than an hour or 90 minutes. At one distinct point towards the end, my concentration flew out the window and the leader called me out for being a breath a head on the vinyasas. Whoops!
• Smooth: I thought I would find the practice hard, given how long it had been, but it felt smooth and I had enough energy to carry the practice all the way through. I have to say I would have been hard-pressed to do it all the next day, though.
• Unconstrained: I didn't do the rolls in Garbha Pindasana (I never liked those), and I didn't even attempt cakrasana (never could do that without pinching my neck... "one day, gurunam" as my first teacher used to say), and I didn't feel "un-Ashtangic" about it, because I have made my peace with being un-Ashtangic, if that makes sense!
• Same-old, same-old: By which I mean the same old irritations flared up, that led me to stop doing exclusively Ashtanga in the first place: wrist pain, and rotator cuff (shoulder) pain, both on my right side (I'm positive my cakrasana issues are connected to these too, and it's all rooted in my precious curvy spine). My vinyasas are a lot smoother and more controlled as a result of the work I've been doing over the last year, but doing every vinyasa, even carefully, was hard on those weak spots. I'm pretty terrified of injuring my wrist again so I've renewed my efforts to work on those problems with targeted movements in my home practice. 
• Different: My first Ashtanga teachers learned the practice in the early 90's, so there were some small differences in the practice that took me by surprise. The practice leader, Geoff, emphasised the inner aspect of the practice as opposed to what the body can do, which was great. He also told us that Sharath is teaching a different version of the tristana these days, which is breath, drishti and alignment of the body, with the bandhas being rolled into "breath". My injury-wary inner teacher approves of the latest addition, although I think the young man next to me, sweating, grunting and twisting himself into postures, could perhaps have used some more explanation. ;)

At the end of the practice, the practice leader asked me how it felt, having been away from the practice for so long. I told him it felt great, but mentioned it was hard on my wrists.

Thinking about it afterwards, it felt like going back to a house you used to live in after some time away. It feels familiar, maybe even nostalgic, but it's no longer home and you have a new reality.

NB: The cover image was sourced from Ryan Spielman.

Two words for 2013

Well, it's been a while since I posted as I have been settling into my new home in Whistler, BC. It's hard to express how lucky I feel to have a few months to just be in this beautiful place, nestled amidst the snowy mountains. I get to spend my days outdoors skiing through magical white snow, and my nights curled up next to a fireplace. Amazing.

As much as these few months are a time-out from my regular life, they are also tinged with uncertainty - where to next? What city, state or country will I be in when winter ends and spring rolls around? My partner and I are looking for jobs and the world is our search frame. I could end up literally anywhere.

In my last post I wrote about change, and the metaphor of the ocean seems appropriate: a sea-change is never a smooth, instant transition. There is always an in-between period, a slow and turbulent shift; wind over waves, tides turning, the surface turning choppy before settling into a new rhythm. Being in the middle of a sea-change, I am both delirious with possibility and anxious at the uncertainty of it all.

Thankfully, years of yoga (and life) practice have taught me to breathe into both extremes, to be in the moment, and to just sit with where I am now. Let go of the past, let go of the future.  And so my two words of 2013 are:

 transformation 

and 

acceptance 

Transformation to represent the (chosen and unchosen) changes that have, are and will occur, and acceptance to represent letting go of what I can't control, being open to possibility, and accepting whatever comes, whether it's what I hoped and intended, or whether it takes me completely by surprise.

Readers, do you have words for this year or for what's going on with you at the moment? I'd love to hear them!

Sea Change: on leaving East Timor, growing up, and welcoming the new year

Dearest readers, 2012 is drawing to a close. The world didn't end and the solstice has passed, so in solar terms, a new year has already begun. Many have been saying that 2012 marks the end of an era of humanity, and the dawn of a new one. For me, 2013 is certainly going to bring about some major changes.

On December 31st, I am leaving East Timor, my adoptive home for most of the past 8 1/2 years. It's hard for me to begin to write about the significance of this to me. I came to this half island nation when I was just 23 and I am leaving now, 31 years old. How to sum up the changes that take place during a quarter life? In this place I found friendships that transcend all boundaries and will last a lifetime, loved and lost a soulmate, and through this loss learned the meaning of fleeting pure happiness. I have climbed mountains in the sunrise, heard the Old Magic humming, swum with whales and dolphins, dived with a dugong, four-wheel-driven up a rocky escarpment with a flat tire, camped on beaches under the stars, slipped into a career and become a yoga teacher.

I have held babies just born and witnessed the death of a child; I have sat on the floor listening to gunfire while a teenager sobbed with terror, spilling stories of past horrors that he witnessed as a boy. I have been displaced from my home and returned to find it looted, but while others ended up in a tented camp, I still had a roof over my head. I have learned time and time again what it is to be privileged: a well-fed, well-educated testament to the top tier of the geographic and social birth lottery into which probably everyone reading this blog is also born, free to choose my own destiny, to make my own choices, to have any job I choose, to marry and have children if I choose, and only if I choose. I have been constantly humbled by the everyday hardships of the other 80% of the world's population, by the barefooted men who walk miles over the mountains, by the women who bear their babies year in and year out, by the children whose lives are more work than play and who go to bed hungry every night of their lives.  I have seen the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets of my life, felt peace in the midst of chaos, found love amidst the woodsmoke and the flowers.

In essence, I grew up, here in the hot, humid air. Like a migratory bird, I landed in this place to shed the awkward feathers of a fledgling and grow a pair of wings. And now it is time to fly - away from this land I have lived in but that could never be my home, leaving behind great chunks of myself that have bled into the earth, the sea, the sand and the sky. A part of me forever to remain here; a part of here forever to remain with me.

There are no words for these sea-changes, these great transformations. Most of us mark them with life's big events; my tribe, the global nomads, we mark them with entry visas and exit stamps.

So where to next, dear readers? Well, for a little while, I will be returning to Canada, the country of my birth. Living a mere 600 kilometres (400 miles) from my birthplace - the closest I have lived since I was 8 years old! For the next few months you will find me nestled in the mountains in Whistler, British Colombia, soaking up the cold, the snow, and the crisp clean air. From the tropics to a Canadian winter, from the sea to the mountains, from one of the poorest countries to one of the richest, it is harder to imagine a bigger contrast, and I am reminded that in my nature I gravitate towards extremes.

Everything changes and yet nothing changes, dear readers, and I will still be blogging here, about yoga (a lot) and life (a little bit), and probably about skiing, and snow, and the dislocation that only a returning expat knows. About a homecoming to a place that is no longer home, about an affluent society unseeing of its own good fortune. I am trying to go without expectations, but of course that is impossible, so I hope to study and teach yoga, to reignite my practice in the chilly air of winter, to reconnect with old friends and the land of my birth, and to keep blogging about all of this, the yoga of life.

As always, if you're reading this, I am both humbled and honoured that you have taken the time to do so. Happy new year, readers - what changes, big or small, will 2013 bring for you?

On change, letting go, and lighting up your life

The equinox has passed, the Earth is shifting on its axis, and everywhere I look, change is in the air.

In times of change, we ourselves shift on our axes. Perhaps, unawares, we simply begin moving to a different rhythm, but it may be that we find ourselves questioning, doubting, or resisting the shifts in our bodies and minds. Perhaps we are clinging to the way things were before. Perhaps we are grasping at a future that has not quite manifested.

The changing of the seasons brings changes to our routines. As householder yogis, a change in the season will almost invariably bring about a change in our asana practice. We may find ourselves unable to practice as much, or practicing in a different way. As I browse around the blogsphere, I notice a degree of anxiety about these changes. I read words from bloggers who are hard on themselves, who judge themselves, who "beat themselves up" in their minds if they don't practice long enough, hard enough, if they don't do that pose. Now, we have all been there, and maybe this is part of the process that we all have to go through in order to let go of our egos, but it makes me think that it is easy to get too attached to our asana practice.

Now, wait, isn't that what yoga is all about? Well - no. In times like this I remind myself that asana is only 1 of the 8 limbs of yoga. I remind myself that the fundamentals of yoga are the yamas and the niyamas (the restraints and the self-restraints). They are like the roots of the tree, the soil that nourishes the soul, and they are a practice in themselves.

The yamas and the niyamas ground us when the road is smooth, and guide us through the bumps of transformation.  Like all ethical codes, they are there to help us handle hard choices. Most of all they are a lens through which we are asked to see ourselves - and this, of course, is the hardest journey of all.

----------------

The inspirational Nadine Fawell is no stranger to hard journeys. She has had to confront the emotional scars of childhood abuse and the damaging cycle of fear and self-sabotage that it left her in. She dug deep, and emerged on the other side with a profound insight into how to use the transformational power of yoga to "cut through your emotional B.S., get strong and comfortable in your body, and learn the art of radical self-acceptance."

And the best part? She wants to share it with YOU.  She has taken what she has learned and created a 4-week e-course called Light Up Your Life.  Combining yoga, yoga philosophy, journalling, healthy eating and relaxation techniques, Light Up Your Life is designed to help you identify the areas of your life, or yourself, that you want to shed light on - and to realise that desire.  I think what she has put together is amazing, and I am super-proud to be an affiliate of the course.

Does lighting up your life sound like just what you need this fall/spring? Head over to her website and bring on the light!

Q&A

Last week, I gave you a gorgeous print from Eliza at ArtAsana.  Having got in touch, she asked me some questions, which I answered, and I thought I would share.

Want to spread the love?  Answer them yourself, and link back to Eliza at ArtAsana!  The questions are:

1) What's the biggest frustration in your yoga practice or life experience right now?

2) What do you most want to achieve from your your yoga practice or life? By when?

3) What do you think you need in order to reach your goal?

4) What strategies have you tried that have and have not worked?

5) What would it feel like to have your biggest frustration handled?

6) What will it cost you not to have this frustration handled? Any fears come up?

Here are my answers... what are yours?

1) What's the biggest frustration in your yoga practice or life experience right now?

Wow, this is a huge question.  I think that yoga mirrors life (and not the other way around, 'cause that would be a bit obsessive!).  I think my biggest frustration in my life at the moment is the gap between what I want my life to be like, and what it actually is at the moment.  And I think the same applies to my yoga practice.  Practically speaking, I find it hard to balance my desire to practice yoga and grow and evolve, and devote time to that practice, with my need to work and also live my life!  The result is that I'm often too tired or busy to practice as much as I would like and to push my body as much as I push my mind.  But at the same time, I love my job and so I just have to accept that it's a balancing act.

I think it's important to remember that the goals that we have are a moving target, and sometimes it takes time to adjust.  The things that I want now, I didn't want a few years ago.  And vice versa a few years from now.  In yoga, the things that were important to me a few years ago are no longer relevant.  We evolve, our practice evolves, our dreams evolve, and it's the most natural and inevitable thing in the world.  I remember when I spent an entire year absolutely torturing myself trying to learn handstand.  It was SO hard, and so full of fear and emotion for me.  And when I finally got it, after SO much work...  Well, handstand is not even important to me anymore.  Because it was never really about the pose in the first place.

2) What do you most want to achieve from your your yoga practice or life? By when?

There was this book that I read when I was a kid, it was called "The Big Orange Splot".  Bear with me here.  ;) In the book, this guy lives on a street where all the houses look exactly the same.  And then one day, by accident, a bird drops this bucket of paint on his house, and it makes a big orange splot.  And he gets inspired and starts to transform his whole house into a tropical paradise, and he says about it: "my house is me, and I am it, and it looks like all my dreams."  That's what I want from my yoga practice.

3) What do you think you need in order to reach your goal?

Well, orange paint alone probably isn't going to do the trick...   I think the biggest thing that we need to realise our dreams is self-realisation, awareness of what we really want.  We need to dig through all the stories we tell ourselves, all the mind-games and justifications, and get down to the heart of what we really want and need in life.  We need to be honest, and to be honest we need to be brave, and to be brave we need support and love and probably a lot of tea and chocolate (i.e. self-nurture)!  Yoga - whatever your yoga is - helps us do that.  As do good friends (the kind who ask you hard questions and don't let you avoid the answers), family, good relationships, and a little dose of those higher powers who put just the right obstacles and opportunities in our way.  So really I guess all we need is an open mind and an open heart.

4) What strategies have you tried that have and have not worked?

I can't categorically say that anything I've ever tried "has not worked".  I have learned something from everything I have done.  However, I can say that self-delusion, avoidance, making excuses, lying to myself and others, and running away from hard choices have pretty much only led to disappointment and wasted a whole lot of my time - duh.

5) What would it feel like to have your biggest frustration handled?

I'm not really sure what you mean by handled - I don't think anyone else could just make my frustrations go away - but maybe that's just me, "lone hero" syndrome and all.  Seriously though, I just don't believe in easy solutions, especially not in life - or in yoga.  Nobody can just magically transpose meditational zen onto you.  You have to just do the work, and deal with that.  Besides, we are human - there will always be another frustration around the corner!

6) What will it cost you not to have this frustration handled? Any fears come up?

The cost of not resolving issues - too high to think about.  Stagnation.  Unhappiness.  Unbearable waste of short, precious time on this planet.  There are some journeys that we have to go through, but there is also a time and a place for everything.  Even hard things need to have boundaries.  Some of those will be in days, some in months or years.  Some things will never go away, just be transformed or absorbed.  But we must change, we must evolve!  Otherwise we are missing the opportunity that is our fortunate, fortunate life on this beautiful planet.

Flavours of spring in the North

Photo by ItchyFeet Photography - I passed this tree on my way to work everyday!

Oh, seasons! I remember how much I love them.  Having been in the tropics for the last 7 years, my notion of seasons had been completely forgotten and constrained to hot&wet, hot&dry.

So the glorious unfolding of Spring in the northern hemisphere is a revelation.  Flowers.  Temperate mornings and the sun on your face.  The freshness of the air filling your lungs like air after a long dive underwater.  Oh, my.

My first spring in 7 years - hard to believe how time accumulates like that.  I suppose it's what they call growing up (in the sense that I won't really be grown up until I am about 89) - when a timeframe like that can sneak up on you.

So much change, so much uncertainty, and yet spring reminds us to stay rooted in the things - and people - we love, to appreciate a moment of sunshine on our faces, to stay grounded while still growing.

How is your Spring?

Just Breathe + Blanks

This song has been speaking to me lately... it seems to perfectly embody the concept of aparigraha, or non-grasping.  Not to mention re-igniting my teenage crush on this amazing voice.   There is a lot going on here at the moment and slowly but surely it will be coming out here...  In the meantime, sit back and enjoy this beautiful song.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.  You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

And for a few blanks, from a few weeks ago!

1.   The most spontaneous thing I've ever done was...  well, there was that time when two friends and I rented a car on the spur of the moment and drove up to spend the weekend a music festival in the countryside in Quebec.  It was pretty darn random, and very fun!

2.  The best gift I've ever received was... today.  And the day before that.  And the one before that.  And if I get tomorrow, well, I must be super lucky!  

3.  A time that I was truly and genuinely surprised was...   Drawing a complete blank here! Either that makes me a cynic or just forgetful.  Or maybe a bit of both!

4.  I can't leave the house without... my car keys?  And, at the moment, my favourite blue shoes!

5.  My favorite day of the week is      Sunday    because   it generally involves sleeping in, having a huge breakfast, and spending at least the first half of the day being completely lazy.  I love it!

6.  Something that can always make me laugh is   my cat.  She is awesome and falls asleep in the cutest positions!

7.  My perfect day would include... see 5., above! ;)  Add some time spent on or under the water and wrap it up with some cheese, wine, and good company and I think that would just about do it.

Have a great weekend everyone!

The cracks in everything

Source

"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen

This quote has been making the rounds lately, and it hasn't gone unnoticed by me.  The ever-inspiring Marianne Elliott blogged about it here, and it has been sticking in my brain since then.


Here's the thing.  The only thing that never changes is that everything changes.  (My 10th grade English teacher would be so proud!)  But as with all transformation, life doesn't happen in clean, straight lines.  Things change rapidly for a while, and then plateau.  (Nothing on top but a bucket and a mop...)


On the plateau, the ground is firm beneath you.  The world solidifies, and everything goes along as normal.  Days, weeks, months, years.  And then suddenly, something changes, and the cracks start to appear.  Everything we thought we could hold on to subtly shifts, and we have to adapt, or fall through the cracks.


The practice of yoga can help us to learn, by observation, how we personally react to change or challenge.  As you strain to keep your breath steady in a Warrior sequence, or as you struggle to stay sane in Reclining Pigeon pose, you are learning about how your body and your mind react to tough situations.  Whether you lash out, or curl inwards.  Whether you view transformation as doors closing or doors opening.  Whether you steam forth without looking or creep cautiously into unknown waters.


Experience gives us hope, for in the end, when the Earth has settled down and you find yourself on a new plateau, the Universe re-balances itself.  You find equilibrium in new circumstances.  Where only cracks stood before, light shines through.


Readers, what have you learned about how you react to change or challenge?

Teachers, Students and Ethics: Oh my!

This post was inspired by the discussion on It's All Yoga Baby around the ad featuring Jivamukti teachers from a NY studio posing naked for PETA.  Roseanne ends her post asking:

"Despite these positive aspects, there still is a  slight breach of professionalism in this ad – these are working yoga teachers, who will encounter students and potential students in class and in their communities. I think it illustrates the precarious and awkward place that yoga teachers hold in our culture, somewhere between entertainer and health professional."

A commenter on her blog, Dharma teacher Frank Jude of Mindfulness Yoga (yay, new blog!), left this insight that touched me profoundly:  

"Seeing my teacher in this and other social situations most definitely helped to de-construct any potentially de-railing projections, and did so without at all diminishing my respect and appreciation for him as a teacher. What it may have done — and I think this is a good and important teaching — is make it clear to me that ‘the teacher’ is a role; it’s not about the man/woman. When I take the teacher’s seat, this understanding leads me to have great reverence for the role without taking myself so seriously."

Which brings me to muse...  When we are teaching yoga, it IS a role we are enacting for a specfic period of time.  I personally can feel it pour down over me like a cloak when the clock strikes the start time.  It's like a switch goes on, it's a muse, it's a groove!  And when the final namaste is said and the lights go on, I feel it lift again and I become myself.  And thinking about Frank's comment, I don't want my students to put me on a pedestel, to think that yoga teachers are somehow elevated people, that we don't have flaws and beliefs and good days and bad days.

In Donna Farhi's book Teaching Yoga: Exploring the Teacher-Student Relationship, the author talks about keeping "healthy boundaries" and maintaining a "necessary distance" between the teacher and the student.  In her view, maintaining this distance is a way of honouring the deeply transformative process that the student may be undergoing, and keeping it sacred by maintaining the formality of the relationship.  She also says that casual relationships with students are often more serving of the teacher's needs than the students.

Farhi goes on to say: "I have come to recognize that when a student becomes a personal friend, my ability to serve her as a teacher has effectively ended."  The key concept here is service.  Farhi isn't suggesting that you can never be friends with your students, just that the changed dynamic of the relationship and the recognition of the student as your "peer" will diminish your effectiveness as a teacher. Farhi suggests that the student may or may not decide to seek another teacher, or may be quite happy to maintain a "student-peer" position in class and a friend outside of class.

This example is specific to the student who becomes a friend.  But what about the friend who becomes the student?  When I was first teaching, I felt awkward about having my friends in my classes and found it hard to find my groove as a teacher, or would refrain from chanting at the end of class thinking "what will my friends think?".  As I have grown as a teacher I have become more comfortable with my role as the teacher and more able to easily slip into it.  And my friends who come to my classes also seem comfortable and respectful of my role: I have never had anyone try to use our friendship to modify what they get in their yoga class!

My musings also lead me to this question: as yoga teachers, how do we see ourselves?  In my yoga class, I strive to create an atmosphere that allows people as much choice as they want, a place that embraces all body types, beliefs, ages, sexualities as equals.  But outside the classroom I still have my own beliefs, body type, age, sexuality etc. that define me as a person, and that are important to my own identity. While I would never press these on anyone else in a yoga class, outside the classroom they give me guidance in my choices and make me who I am.  Where the boundaries exist are different for every different person I guess.

I live in a very small community and I teach classes to my friends, and some of my students become my friends.  Beyond these friends, I also see my yoga students at work, at the beach, in restaurants, and at parties. And (after the initial shock of seeing someone in another context!) I have never felt weird about that (I mean, this town is so small that it would be weird if I didn't see them!).  I think that if we are uncomfortable with our students seeing us outside the classroom, it's partly because we might be uncomfortable with ourselves. Perhaps we feel like we aren't living a "yogic" enough life.  So are we ourselves are holding ourselves up to some unrealistic ideal?

What do you think?  How does Farhi's "necessary distance" contrast to the notion of not putting the teacher on a pedestal?  Can you be friends with your students or teachers and still be effective as their yoga teacher or student? How do you feel about seeing your teachers or students in social spaces?  Do teachers have a responsibility to their students to live a "yogic" life off the mat?

Or should we all just go for ice-cream? ;)

Following the signs

Royalty free image from: www.inmagine.com

Following the signs... That's what Suburban Yogini did this week, as you can read here.

We have all been through those times when it seems as though the whole Universe is pointing us in a certain direction.  It starts as an idea, that like a seed once planted begins to take root and push its way inevitably upwards.  We water this seed with our dreams, our ideas, our gut instincts, until finally it pushes its delicate head above the surface, blooming and blossoming from an idea into a definitive path, a signal marker pointing the way.  All that remains is to start down the path.

Yoga helps us to recognise these signs.  And by putting us in touch with our selves, Yoga also helps us to make the choice to follow them.  For me, this is Satya - truthfulness - the desire to be true to yourself.  Yoga helps us to realise that we are always choosing our reality - choosing how we act, whether or not to react, how we perceive a situation and what we do as a result.  Yoga helps us to live more mindfully by going from a reactive frame of mind to a proactive frame of mind.  So instead of letting our bodies, emotions and minds make choices for us, we are mindfully choosing how we experience life as it comes to us.

Where are the signs pointing for me?  Well, you'll have to wait a little longer to find out!  But there are things in the works, so stay tuned!!

Readers, what are the signs in your lives telling you?

Asana and I: A love story

Being sick recently with dengue fever has meant that for the last month my asana practice has been completely modified. Stepping to my mat on Day 10 after getting the fever (2 days after leaving bed for the first time!) I couldn't believe how weakened my body was from the illness. So it has been short, gentle practices for me, focusing on stretching out the muscles that were cramped up by the fever. In addition, mornings have been tough now that I'm back at work, so I have been putting in play my 10-minute sequences!
 

Being unable to do asana has made me reflect on the dominance that it plays in my yogic life, and how that has changed over the years. See, I have gone through times when asana has dominated my waking moments, and not necessarily in a healthy way. I have gone through times when I didn't practice at all, preferring other forms of physical exercise instead. And I have gone through times like now, when I can enjoy my asana practice in balance with the other elements of my life.

If I could map out some stereotypical stages of relationship to yoga-asana, it might look like this:

1. Flirtation: You first meet, and you feel a spark. For a while, you keep your distance – doing a bit of reconnaissance, and research. You attend a few classes, the spark nurtures a flame and your attraction grows...
2. Dating and Romance: Before you know it, you are dating. In fact, you are more than dating – you can't get enough! Your friends notice a change in you... You are giddy and all you can talk about is yoga this, and yoga that, and how great yoga is and how much you looooove yoga...
3. Obsession/compulsion: And sure enough, it's not long until you barely even see said friends anymore, because all you ever do is yoga! You eat, breathe and sleep yoga, you check all the yoga books out of the library, you spend hours locked in your room trying impossible yoga poses. Your wobbly knee in Warrior II can reduce you to tears, and the last time you had to take child's pose you held it against yourself for a week. At the same time, you can feel deep shifts happening within, in places you'd rather not go, in realms that are dark and scary...
4. The breakup: And so, you decide you need to take a break. After all, haven't you always wanted to take up long-distance running? Why not start now! At first you enjoy the free time. You reconnect with your friends and have a few drinks and laugh about how you are so over that yoga thing. But after a while, you start to miss it. You see someone on the street with a yoga mat, and your heart leaps while your tummy lurches.
5. The make-up: And so eventually you steel yourself, you swallow your pride, and you humbly go back and offer yourself up to the practice. It feels so right, it feels so good! And here, you may take one of two roads... Maybe you will head straight back to Step 3 and repeat Steps 3, 4 and 5 over and over again... But just maybe you will pass go and progress to...
6. Going steady: Yep, you and yoga are here to stay, and you have all the characteristics of a good relationship. Yoga complements you without dominating your life. You recognize that you will have good days and bad days, and you don't judge the relationship based on that. You acknowledge that you need to have other hobbies and social time for the other relationships in your life. Instead of brining out the worst in you, yoga brings out your best side, and opens up a place for you to grow and confront your fears. You don't feel judged, criticized or insecure – you feel just fine where you are, thanks, and you are enjoying the journey.

And so, folks, I'm happy to report that I am feeling very Stage 6ish at the moment! I am slowly building back my strength and do look forward to getting back to my former level. But I also feel more balanced about my asana practice than I have been in a while. I am happy with where I am and the progress I have made till now. I am content with my pre-illness 45-50 minute morning practices before work, and not beating myself up for not doing Primary (Ashtanga series) 6 days a week. If I need extra sleep and my morning practice is only 10 minutes, well, I am happy with that, too.

What about you folks? Does any of this sound familiar? What has your relationship to asana been like?

Sea of Change - An exercise in Link Love

Obviously there was something in the air this weekend, and I found out what it was at The Devil Wears Prana: did you all know we are in the "Greatest (astrological) event of 2010"?  Huh.  Maybe that's why Suburban Yogini had such a speedy birthday recovery!

Maybe that will help Chief Arvol Looking Horse with his plea of Great Urgency that we all unite to put our energies towards healing the wounds being caused by the Gulf Oil Spill.

The echos of the macro are everywhere in the micro.  This disaster, in its horror, is bringing people together.  Is making us reflect on how to change our carbon-munching ways, creating a community of people who long for a return to Simpler Times.  Around the world, we are burning with Transformative Fire, striving to make a more Sustainable Yoga of our everyday lives, to Tell a Story that we can be proud of.

The world is changing - this is nothing new.  The world is always changing.  But humanity? Can we change?

I hope so...

--------------------------------

Edited to add: check out my guest post @ Suburban Yogini on one of my favourite restorative poses / sequences: Supta Padangusthasana! :)

Evolution

This morning I was feeling like a change, and somewhat short on time, so I put on a yoga podcast that I used to enjoy but haven't practiced to in nearly a year.  It was a 40-minute sequence of mainly standing poses with some twists and hip openers, and then a few seated hip openers as well.

I did the practice... and I was totally dissatisfied.  It wasn't that I wasn't challenged - there were some long holds and deep postures.  Some of the sequencing was nice too, like a Warrior II - Crescent Warrior - Half Moon standing sequence, and a Tree Pose to Warrior III balancing sequence which is a favourite of mine.  But there was just something that didn't do it for me - I think the real thing was that I just didn't feel I was generating heat.  I missed my sun salutations!  I didn't feel like my body ever really warmed up at all.  Also I felt really incomplete at the end - there were no backbends, no shoulderstand to round off the practice.  I did a few rounds of bridge and then a long headstand and then I felt better.

It was interesting to me as an experience of how much my personal practice has changed, how something that used to really do it for me just wasn't working for me today.

Have you ever had a similar experience?  How has your practice evolved? 

The Gift of Embodiment: Part I

My last post, as well as a few other things in the blogosphere (LOVE that word!) of late, got me thinking. In particular, thinking about the body and our relationship to it. There are a lot of bloggers who reflect on the way that we, and women in particular, struggle to accept and love our bodies in the face of a culture that worships appearances and an idealised physical form. One amazing woman who blogs regularly and movingly about this is psychotherapist and Yoga Teacher Teresa over at My Embodiment. Another is Suburban Yogini, who did a recent interview with Bliss Chick, another body image warrior. And Brenda from Grounding Through the Sit Bones did some reflection on role modeling in the yoga community in this post a few weeks back.

I think at sometime or other, we all suffer from thoughts about our body image. As a thin woman, I wanted to be busty. Curvy women long to be thin. Our male friends want to be thin but buff, my asian friends want to be whiter, my white friends wish to be darker and so the list goes on! Interestingly (for me), the wealthier the society in general, the more overwhelming these issues seem to be. Maybe it's the inundation of advertising and media that accompany wealth, celebrating body-stereotypes and obsessing over appearances. Probably we just have too many mirrors in our home and too much time on our hands. Maybe it's more than that - maybe some of us try to compensate for our extremely privileged material lives by making ourselves suffer from the inside. I think I fell into this latter category in my own teenage years.

The truth is, everyone suffers. Everyone who is born into a body will experience suffering in their lifetime. For the majority of people in the world this suffering is part of the daily struggle to survive against the obstacles of hunger, illness, poverty, and lack of choices. But even we, the most privileged people on the planet, cannot evade pain, grief, and fear. The only way never to suffer is not to be born. But sometimes it seems that our society gives us only the tools to deny, suppress or evade suffering, and not to deal with and transverse it.

When the source of suffering is our internal image of the body, and not just the body itself, we enter into a strange realm - one where our suffering is no longer grounded in reality, but in perception. As Yoga Sutra 1.8 puts it: "Misconception occurs when knowledge of something is not based upon its true form." When we fall into this trap, we truly believe in a false reflection, and believe in it so strongly that we put our bodies through physical suffering because of it. This is the realm of eating and exercise disorders, of the young women throwing up in the bathroom, the young men trying to live on a diet of protein shakes and killing themselves in the weight-room, of african and asian women who bleach their skin trying to make it whiter. This world of misconception is also a window to the more sinister realm of society-imposed bodily mutilations such as foot-binding and neck stretching, all in the name of 'beauty' and 'perfection'.

These thoughts and realities make me wonder: how has humanity failed these individuals so deeply as to lead them to that suffering? And in our own daily biases and insecurities, how far are we from that 'mental modification' ourselves? How can we work to change that, to help others or to help ourselves?

The Yoga Sutras offer us the first clue: "These mental modifications are restrained by practice and non-attachment." (1.12) and "Practice becomes firmly grounded when well attended to for a long time, without break and in all earnestness." (1.14). In English, that means: Long, Hard Work. Oh darn - no quick fix. ;) And for some of us, used to instant gratification, that might be enough to make us stop listening right there!!

But for others, Yoga offers the perfect practice to address misconceptions. The practice of Yoga encourages a new knowledge of the body to occur - one that begins from within, instead of from without. It offers a chance to re-build a fractured relationship with the Self, and to create a Self-image that is not based on the material world, but on a connection with the deeper self/spirit. And on the physical level, it offers us the chance to create a new ideal: a healthy, balanced body that is unique to every individual. A journey through space and time that is tailored just for us. A journey that takes us to a state of bliss: "Samprajnata samadhi (distinguished contemplation) is accompanied by reasoning, reflecting, rejoicing and pure I-am-ness." (1.17)

On the macro level, the teachings of Yoga have a lot to offer as well. Non attachment (aparigrahah) includes letting go of beauty ideals, and not judging others by their appearance. Non-harming (ahimsa) means not causing others harm, even if believed that it is truly "for their own good" (i.e. the thankfully extinct practice of binding girls feet because it would attract a good marriage). Ahimsa also means not to cause yourself harm, and this practice begins by cultivating a healthy, non-harmful relationship between the body and the mind. And all of these practices are just that - practices. They take conscious effort, discipline, self-awareness and hard work. And don't forget non-attachment: we have to be willing to endure the journey, and not strive for perfection at the outset.

Change begins from within: what are body issues that you have struggled with? How has yoga brought about changes in your perception?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So concludes part one... In part II I intend to reflect a bit more philosophically on suffering and how it can be that some of us come to call embodiment a gift, despite all that we have to endure. And I am looking for possible guest bloggers or contributers for a Part III on body image within the yoga community... Let me know if you are interested!

The Yoga of Dumbo

Yoga is about transformation. In yoga philosophy, the five Niyamas, or "self-restrictions", teach us how we can prepare ourselves to receive this transformation, to become the change in our lives. By cleansing our bodies and our environment (saucha), we get rid of what is unhealthy, making space for positive growth. By accepting ourselves as we are and feeling gratitude for all our blessings (santosha), we are able to appreciate even the smallest transformations in our lives as a gift. By being disciplined and putting in effort (tapas), we transform wasted energy into the fire of transformation. By studying ourselves (svadhyaya), we strip away the ego and allow the True Self to emerge.

The final Niyama is "Ishvarapranidhana", or "devotion to God". It is a concept that I have struggled with many times, not being, or ever having been, of any religious creed. So for those of you who may also struggle to untangle the same sticky philosophical threads, I offer you the story of Dumbo. Yes, Dumbo. The baby elephant with the enormous ears.

Dumbo is a social outcast. Ridiculed by the circus where he was born, he is taunted and turned into a clown. His mother tries to protect him from a judgemental mob, and is imprisoned as a mad elephant. His circus makes him an object of ridicule, forcing him to fall from a high platform into a vat of pie filling. But then, Dumbo is given a magic feather and told it will make him fly. Desperate to change his situation, not out of ego but in order to get his mother released, Dumbo takes a leap of faith and flaps his ears. And sure enough, he flies! The next night he takes his magic feather to his act, but at the last minute he loses it. As he plummets down, Dumbo finds out that the feather has no magic at all, and, finally believing in himself, he opens his ears and soars through the air, amazing and delighting the audience of thousands.

The feather never had any magic powers - it was the power of Dumbo's belief that allowed him to break through the barriers in his mind and perform miracles.

Ishvarapranidhana, therefore, teaches us that if we believe in transformation, it can happen. If we set our minds to change our situation, we can overcome obstacles that seemed insurmountable! If we truly believe in ourselves, we will create our happiness. And most of all, if we put all our efforts together, we can inspire others to also witness the unforgettable moments of magic in the world, the glorious liberation of transformation, when barriers are destroyed and miracles happen - the moment when an elephant flies. :)